There have been a few times over the many years I’ve been on my own where I worried my family would end up on the street. Not many because I’ve always worked but there’s always that fear. Always the feeling that you’re one or two paychecks away from homeless.
Then you get laid off. And in my line if work it’s known that possibility exists. That’s why I’ve always worked multiple jobs. But this year because of my travel job I didn’t have the extra jobs I usually did. When the work stopped I thought I could work with it or get unemployment like others I’ve worked with. But unemployment hasn’t paid anything although I have plenty of credits and my local job isn’t even giving me ten hours a week.
At this posting I’ve been unable to pay any of my bills in a month and a half. And for six months before that I could only pay half my rent, just to keep my other bills going because there just wasn’t enough money coming from myself alone.
Usually at this time of year I can count on my tax refund to catch me up but knowing the IRS is going to delay releasing funds this year has me concerned. I hope that my landlord can hold out until then. He’s the only one that would.
Car insurance, the electric company, the car loan company. None of them are willing to work with you. It’s not how the world works. If I lived in an apartment or something managed by a big company they would have evicted by now. They certainly never would have accepted partial payments up to this point.
I’ve been living on borrowed time for so long, it’s only logical that it catch up with me.
It’s a common misconception that if you work hard you’ll be fine. It may have been true in the past but not in this day and age. For the past three years I’ve worked a minimum of three jobs and it still barely gets me by. I have two teenage sons and I only get medical assistance for them. I haven’t had child support in almost five years and have been told I make too much money for other types of assistance.
So I slave away. There’s never any extra for the slow time. I don’t have any extra expenses. I can’t even go without paying my cellphone bill because I have to have it for work. It just doesn’t matter how hard I work. I borrow from family when I can but that only gets us food and fuel.
But that’s the plight of the working poor. And say what you will but until you’ve actually been there, you just don’t know. It’s like watching a tv show, it doesn’t affect your life. You can curl up knowing you have a full fridge, knowing you can go to the grocery store whenever you need, knowing you have a job to go to, knowing that your electricity won’t be turned off.
I sit in front of my laptop often in an attempt to remain current with my blogs. I always have the grandest intentions and think that will help me wrangle my thoughts into coherent posts. However, it’s always a challenge to come up with topics when so many race and ramble through my mind. There never seems to be a consistent, singular thread. Of course, so much overlap and intertwine.
I have many partial posts saved, unsure how to proceed. Worried that there is no point to be made. Maybe the point I have to keep reminding myself is that I write for myself, and if anyone finds enjoyment or clarity, or even solace, from my writing then that’s a bonus.
I was texting with a friend this morning and we talked a bit about how we were feeling. Yesterday had been pretty gloomy weather wise and it didn’t help his mood but he was having a better day today. I replied with, “No clouds and sun today so the world hasn’t ended yet. I just hate the days when I remember my dreams.”
Of course, this started a conversation about the type of dreams I have and my preferences. Normally I don’t remember my dreams and that makes life more bearable. I revealed that I would rather have a nightmare any day over a good dream. Because a good dream leaves me longing for my sleeping world and depressed that I can’t have it in my waking one. At least with nightmares I look forward to waking up and appreciate the world outside my subconscious.
My feelings for this prompted my starting a story called Worlds Apart, a star-crossed lover story about a women torn between her dream lover or a reality of a half-life in a hospital bed suffering from a degenerative disease. She has to choose which is her reality.
It may seem like a no brainer but when something is all you know and believe, even if it will kill you, it’s difficult to convince yourself that you can control your reality in some way, especially something as beautiful as true love.
There are many times when I long for the life I have in my dreams. Mostly the love I have there. I’m never lonely there. Reality is perception. Sometimes it’s difficult to separate dreams from reality for me. And it can lead to confusion and I admit it may have had a hand in derailing some relationships. Although, my relationships tend to have more than one cause for failure. 
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and I’d like to get back to it.
Things have been crazy with work and with the end of my relationship. I’ve had to go back to working nonstop to keep my bills paid. It’s the way of things when you’re on your own.
Over the years I’ve had to survive. There’s always something, or someone, to survive. Relationships just don’t work for me.
I haven’t posted anything in a while and felt it was past time to open up. I don’t open up in the real world anymore and the anonymity of the internet is much more desirable at this point. But that’s not my confession today. All names will be kept secret, unless I decide when my memoirs are published to edit that information.
It’s been a few months since my break up but it was necessary and I’m over it. Because, frankly, it was long overdo. We had broken up two times previously and I was reluctant to try again the last time. I have to admit that I wasn’t thinking clearly and gave in. I did everything I could think of to not hurt him, although I knew the one sure way to get him to move on. I didn’t use that ammunition and bided my time.
The details of the relationship and ultimate break up aren’t important. And in the end I doubt they will leave a lasting impression on me.
See he was a puppet. Someone to stand in for who I really wanted. Someone without any perceptible substance. A shadow I projected my love and dreams on.
I didn’t realize it at first. And it was only after analyzing my response to our break ups did I come to this conclusion. I had tied up all my emotions for another in him. From the beginning I closed my eyes and fantasized he was someone else. It was exceptionally easy when he was silent. The hard part was when we were interacting day to day.
Don’t judge me too harshly. I know I’m not the only one, I’m just honest enough to admit it. And I’m certainly not asking for forgiveness, I don’t deserve it.
I honestly cared about him. He gave me the attention and affection I was starving for. At first I was flattered until it turned into smothering. I had hoped that the longer we were together the less tightly he would hold me. Although he didn’t “live” with me, he wouldn’t go home. Even after I requested some space because I was suicidal he wouldn’t respect that. I told him I was overwhelmed and stressed out but all he did was make it worse.
I’m not trying to justify my mistake. I had hoped I could make it work. I always knew that I couldn’t have the one I was stupidly in love with but couldn’t I at least have something?
But I couldn’t ignore the situation. I tried to educate him but when someone is convinced they’re perfect, there’s no reasoning with them. I learned that from my ex-husband.
Most people lack the insight to see their weaknesses or flaws. And even fewer have the strength to face them. That would require a level of commitment that’s rare these days.
I know this isn’t a very exciting or dramatic confession. There are many worse things I could confess but in this case I need to admit to the damage I’m dealing with. 
I haven’t been writing in months. For some people this may result in a reply of, “So?” However, for me this is a big deal. Even when I’m not publicly writing I’m usually writing privately. The only way to explain it is I’m bottled up. So much is being in my head and I can’t get it out. For me it has been a lack of time fueled by non existent energy. My time is consumed by running my kids hither and non and working everywhere possible to pay the bills. Squeezing in a small semblance of a social life has proved am obstacle in and of itself.
I would love to step back, away from the rat race and struggle to a life of self sufficiency. Where I can take care of my family and help the earth and spend the rest of my time writing and sharing what I know. That would be ideal. I am putting things in motion to do just that, only it’s taking a large amount of patience and money, neither of which I have in abundance.
With the research I’m doing for my farm I’m also getting ideas for non fiction books and articles I can write on a wide variety of topics which in turn may help fund my new life style. It’s a win-win situation.
So as my rat race winds down for the winter, I will devote more time to my writing and seeking out freelance writing opportunities.
I suppose that although I may not be actively writing, I am always thing about writing and ways I can achieve a life I can be proud of and love with.
I’ve lived in different cities and towns over the years. Some were large, others not so much. When I was a kid I thought the small military town I grew up in was the smallest I’d ever have to live in. Little did I know.
The common misconception of small town living is that you’re never anonymous. That you’re never alone. That may be true if you’ve spent your whole life in that small town. However, as an outsider the isolation is a double edged sword. The environment is beautiful, peaceful.
The cities felt different. Maybe it was knowing that you were invisible in the crowd that made it easier to take. Whatever it may be, it’s lonelier in the country. They’re less likely to welcome an outsider.
Sometimes all it takes is finding that one person that makes the darkness fade and shines a light in all the corners. Someone that knows how to enhance you and support you. The world doesn’t seem like such a lonely place then, regardless of where you live.
After all the craziness of my schedule and the upset of my love life I was becoming concerned that I was heading for a breakdown or something equally dramatic. Especially once I was struck by an idea. An idea so outlandish, by my current standards, that I was afraid it was the beginning of a mid-life crisis (which I still stand by the notion that I’m too young for one of those). I decided that what I must do is return to my original life goal. To move to California and become an actress.
I had given up my dream when I went through my divorce and had to survive. Now with my “nasty” birthday looming menacingly around the end of the year, I realized that I need to pursue all of my dreams. It will be quite a big risk but I don’t believe in doing anything halfway. All or nothing. That’s the only way to live as far as I’m concerned.
I refuse to only live half a life. Everything in my life from work, to relationships, to play, are all areas where I expel every bit of energy. I refuse to die never having tried to achieve all my dreams, no matter how crazy they may seem to other people. Of course, when I was a kid I dreamed of one day marrying Sean Astin but that’s not going to happen and I’m okay with that. But being an actress, being a writer are both very attainable goals. I don’t HAVE to be famous or a celebrity, but it would be a nice perk.
One thing I remember being taught in my acting classes was to make strong choices. It wasn’t something that I was very good at or practiced in my day to day life. It was something I knew intellectually.
There were times in my life when I did make those choices but they were few and far between. I can’t say that they always worked out but they definitely changed my situation. I always referred to those times as impulsive but I think maybe that’s when we’re most free to change things. For better or worse we grow from those times.
When we no longer fear loss we’re able to make the choices that are better for us. Maybe walking away from a lover that takes advantage of your love or one that hurts us. Maybe leaving a job that leaves us uncomfortable or anxious or stressed because we fear what lies ahead.
Life is change and we can either embrace it or fear it. If we fear it we fall victim to it and the vultures that prey on us. If we embrace it we can conquer it.
It’s okay. I understand. People always say I’m “worth it”. Worth what? The wait? The effort? Obviously nobody ever means it. I don’t have to do much for them to walk away.
I could say that if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best, but nobody ever sticks around past me being average. Average for me is apparently pretty intimidating. It can’t be that I have too high of expectations of others. If that were the case I wouldn’t have had the questionable relationships I have. I’ve heard that it would take a very strong man to keep up with me. Maybe it’s true, although, I’m not that hard to get along with, even with my bipolarity.
So I suppose they’ve been doing me a favor? Because if any of them had stayed I wouldn’t have become who I am. Whether that’s good or bad, it’s a fact. An undeniable truth that has left me without a companion. I’m not afraid of being alone. I even acknowledge that my life is simpler without another person to tell me what to do or think that I’m not good enough.
It doesn’t change the fact that I hope to find someone who will care about me and not just about having sex with me. I have begun to face the fact that that’s not to be.
You know how some dogs will eat until they get sick or explode? I suppose I’m like that with work and relationships. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I suppose its obsessive. Maybe intimidating. But its who I am and I make no apologies for it. I feel that if anything is worth doing you should give it your all. There are no half-ways in life.
I have always found that it is either feast or famine. So when I can get work I pile it on hoping to prepare for the down times. Sometimes it works. most of the time it doesn’t.
I now work for four companies and as soon as the warm weather gets here my schedule should get heavier. I always prefer being busy to not. A lot of it has to do with my need for money but it boils down to getting used to running myself ragged. I think that’s the only time I feel like I’m doing my best for my family.
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